Sharing My Heavy Heart

Friday, July 18th, 10:00 pm - I received a phone call. It was the mother of Jon's closest friend Travis. He had collapsed earlier that day and was rushed to the hospital. The doctors found a blood clot at the base of his brain. He's in ICU, unable to move and barely has the strength to open his eyes. He's 31.

I talked with his mom for quite a while. She is a strong, faith-filled woman, but still wonders how one minute her son can be healthy, full of energy and life, and in an instant, without warning, come so close to death. When I hung up the phone, I immediately called Jon at work. My heart broke as I heard the emotion in his voice.

I have light heartedly made fun of Jon and Travis in the past. They're like two girls. BFF's. They call each other all the time and frequently send each other emails. They've gone on several trips together through the years. Travis and Jon are like brothers. And all joking aside, they've kept each other accountable through the 11 years they've been friends. They're honest and real with each other, sharing openly about their struggles. Travis is an amazing, gifted and caring man who is a blessing to everyone he comes in contact with. I could write on and on, but one person comes to mind when I think of Travis: The apostle Paul. Travis has traveled all over the world, giving up many comforts and the desire to be "successful" in the eyes of others, in order to pursue God's will for his life. He's a vivid example of a life wholly surrendered to Christ, following Him at any cost. In fact, Daniel's middle name is Travis. We knew that if there was any person we would want our son to look up to and model his life after, it would be Travis. My heart is heavy as I pray for him tonight. The thought of him laying in an intensive care unit, immobile, and in pain breaks my heart. Jon will be leaving later this week to spend 5 days with Travis and his family in Missouri. Sunday, July 2oth - My brother Jeremy's birthday, he would be 35. No one knew the significance of the day, not even Jon. I went about my day like it was any other day, but inside I swear I could physically feel the heaviness of my heart. I struggled with the decision whether to visit his grave or not. To me, it only echoes the empty feeling I feel inside. He's not there. I have to merely look at his name etched in stone. Later that day, I received a phone call from my Dad. With his voice shaking, he proceeded to tell me that a friend I went to school with collapsed suddenly on the basketball court and died. He was 31. The words hit me like a physical blow. My eyes are filled with tears even now as I type this. It brings up the questions I've suppressed for so long. Why? How can this be your plan God? He had his whole life ahead of him. I instantly think of his wife, parents and brothers. Knowing all too well the indescribable grief they are experiencing. They had no warning. In an instant their lives are changed forever. And I ask, "do you see their tears and do you feel their pain?" And I'm answered with Psalm 10:14, "But you, O God, do see trouble and grief."
On Thursday I will go to the church I grew up in. The same church where Dan and I went to youth group together. The same church where Jon and I were married. The same church where we remembered Jeremy during his memorial service. This same church will yet again be the place I go to remember someone who has gone too soon. Yes, my heart is heavy. This picture makes me smile. It was taken when I was in the 7th grade at our church's winter youth camp. That's my brother Jeremy in the center with the microphone. Darrin (Angela's husband :)) is on his right, Duane is on his left, and Dan is standing next to Duane. They made up new lyrics to the song "Bad to the Bone", and were singing "Bad for the Lord".

High School graduation. Dan is standing on the right.

Our pastor has been teaching a series on the Psalms. The week before last week he taught out of Psalm 42, where David is questioning God:

My tears have been my food day and night,

while men say to me all day long,

"Where is your God?"

I say to God my Rock,

"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,

oppressed by the enemy?"
My bones suffer mortal agony

as my foes taunt me,

saying to me all day long,

"Where is your God?"
Why are you downcast, O my soul?

Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,

for I will yet praise him,

my Savior and my God.

Psalm 42:3,9-11